Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
