I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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