Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize