When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
