When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
