he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize