So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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