uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
