i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
