i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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