did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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