Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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