Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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