Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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