Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
