the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
