Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
