my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
