Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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