if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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