Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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