Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
