I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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