just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize