Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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