Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
