Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
