you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
