I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize