dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize