Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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