So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
