every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
