Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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