Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
