Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
