Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
two words: eviction party
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize