still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
