I look better un-naked...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
