u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
