I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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