i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
