Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
