A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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