my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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