even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
