are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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