My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
