I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
