I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
