I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
