On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize