I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
