That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
