Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
