puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
