What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize