i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
