when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
