I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
