A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
