I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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