I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
worst night to have a conscience
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
