I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
