Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
do nipples grow back?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
