who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
two words: eviction party
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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