So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
