so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
