Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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