Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I supernannyed him into submission
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize