shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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